Going Home

My chest tightens and it's hard to breath. I can't go home I just can't do it. I wish I could talk to him because he would understand. I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of her. I am afraid of my own mother. I don't want to put myself back there. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am being crushed while at the same time being torn apart. Everything hurts. I am so scared. I don't know what to do.

Don't Fuck With Me

I am so sick of people using me or fucking with me. I just want to find someone with whom I can be close and intimate with and not have to worry about leaving me. I trusted you and you broke my trust. You knew I had trust problems but you didn't care did you? So I am left to wonder if you ever cared, if anyone ever cares. How can I open myself up when every time I do I get hurt and shot down. I have no one with whom I can be close. Everyone who says he/she loves me ends up hurting me and then leaving, either emotionally, physically or in some other way. I just want to be able to trust that I can talk to someone and open up without having to worry about them leaving. I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of hurting myself. I won't hurt myself right now because the pain I feel inside could not be matched by any other pain. I can't take it anymore. I know that I need someone whom I can talk to but I cannot do it because I cannot get close enough to anyone to trust them. I am sick of reaching out and being slapped. I am sick of feeling this pain inside. I am sick of feeling this darkness inside. I am sick of these thoughts that I have running through my head all the time. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could talk to you but you don't want to talk. You want to be friends but you can't be friends right now. Okay whatever. It's fine. In fact it's probably better because I do not need a fair weather friend. I do not need someone who leaves me when I am at my most vulnerable. And you did just that. You didn't care. I try to understand. I try to remember that you did it because you were so worries and stressed that it was interfering with your work. But I am sick of understanding. I am sick of making excuses for you. I am sick of feeling like I don't matter. Maybe I put myself here but maybe not. I know that I can be difficult but I have a mental disorder. It is not something that I can control. I have done so well. In about a year I have gone from two suicide attempts, nearly three, from a girl who could not function to a college student doing pretty well in a tough school so I am allowed to have my slip ups and I have coped with this for a long time and I can't just stop coping the way I have for years.

....

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going down again and I don't know why. I don't know who to talk to. The one person I relied on won't answer my calls, e-mails, or anything. Of course it doesn't help the he is my fairly recent ex. I don't know what to do. I want him in my life again but I don't know if I can go back to just being friends. I've done this before and I don't know if I can to it again. I love him and I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say. I am so confused and in the mean time I am still dealing with all of these feelings and thoughts that won't go away. I am so confused and lost.

Hurt

I always asked you to hurt me whenever we were close. I asked you to choke me. I had my reasons. I always have reasons for doing things though they may not make sense to you or anyone for that matter. I wanted you to physically hurt me so that I could avoid the emotional pain that I knew was coming with the break-up. I knew you were going to leave me before we even went out. I knew because that is what happens with anyone who gets close to me and anyone whom I love. Once I love someone the relationship is doomed. I always get left behind and/or hurt. Nothing in my life can just be good, forget about great. With any pleasure or happiness in my life comes a pain that is no less than twice as painful as whatever made me happy. This is just a fact of life that I have come to accept. I cannot change it. You said that it wouldn't happen. You said that you would not leave me. You said that you needed me. You never needed me. Did you even love me? Could you have loved me and still done this? Did you just love me for my body? I don't really see how that could be. Did you just love me because I let you touch me because I gave you physical pleasure? Why did I let you touch me? Why did I let you get to close? I loved you, I still do but you do not care. You have shown that if nothing else. I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of letting people in only to get hurt again and again. I have been though enough haven't I? Why must the world do this to me? Why must I stuffer like this? I do not want to sound like a whiny infant and I know that life is not fair but can't I get a break?! Can't I have one close, intimate relationship with someone I love who will love me back, freely and wholly without running away or leaving me? Don't I at least deserve one relationship with unconditional love? Can't something work out? Why must I continue to go through all of this pain? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Why do I always have to play the part of the adult? Who will look out for me? Who will take care of me? I am left to stand alone as always, the only one that I can count on is myself. You tell me that I need to open up to someone, to learn that I do not need to stand on my own, that I cannot stand on my own and then you turn and leave me to do just that. How does this make sense? How can you love me so strongly one month and then turn around and say oh, I'm sorry I don't know if I love you another? How did this happen and why? What did I do to drive you off? You say that you were getting depressed. You don't even know the meaning of the word because if you did then you would have seen how depressed I was and not have blamed me for your inability to handle your emotions. Yeah we fought but everyone fights and yeah inner demons may have been involved in our fights but you know that I had these problems getting into the relationship with me and you knew that the thoughts would not just disappear. When I needed you to just be there the most you left. You left me. You left and it hurts. You left me even though you said you would not. How could you just stop loving me after saying that you wanted to marry me when you could support yourself? Were you lying the whole time? Why do I still love you? Why?

You said you loved me and you would never leave

My dearest you said that you loved me. You said you would never leave me. I told you that you would but you said no. Well what now? You left me. You said you love me but now you do not know. What has changed? What did I do to make you stop loving me? I have loved you for so long and I still love you. I thought that we would last. You said that you had every intention of marrying me but you left. You said that you were depressed and you could not take it anymore. You do not know what it means to be depressed. You do not know what it is like to be truly depressed. You would never be able to live my life, you could not survive. I guess that is why we are no more. You could not even handle being my boyfriend. It was too much for you. Our love must not have been as strong as I thought it was. Why did I let you touch me like that? If I had only known that you would leave me I never would have let you, no that is not true and I know it. I could never stop you. I just wanted to make you happy, more than anything I want to make you happy. It did not matter what the cost was. I would give everything up to make you smile to see you happy. Love is pain, love is sacrifice. I asked you to hurt me physically so that I might not be hurt emotionally. I have so much pain in my life but I can take it. The physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain. I miss you so much. I love you. I just want to fix this. It hurts but I am keeping myself together. I have not resorted to behaviors. I guess I have learned much from this. I have learned that the only person I can really trust to always be there for me is myself. I have learned that I cannot rely on anyone and that I must stand alone because whenever I get too close to someone they always hurt me and make it worse. You said you loved me and we made out. I let you feel me up, I let you touch me, take off my shirt, get my half naked in the library. We went farther than we have ever gone before and you said you loved me and now a month later you don't?! What happened? Love like ours could not disappear that quickly. What happened? What did I do? Did you only love me because of what I let you do? What happened? Help me understand. Please. I love you.

Rantings of a Mad Woman

So why can't he just see what she does and how she treats me? Why can't he admit that she is abusive? So does he think that what she has done is okay? What is the matter with my family? Why can't they see what this is doing to the family? I wish that I could just forget about them and get on with my life. I am so sick of having this weigh me down. I want to be happy and not have to carry this around with me. I am so confused. I do not understand all of this. How can I convince myself to acknowledge that my mother is abusive if I am constantly being told my family that she is not? Are they saying that what she did was okay? Are they telling me that I do not matter, that she can do whatever she wants to me and it is okay? I hate this I hate them for doing this and I hate my life.

I love him but don't know how to help him

I love him. We had our first fight and it was awful. Neither of us slept well last night but he needs me now and I don't know how to be there for him. I don't know what to do to make it better. He blames himself, says he verbally attacked me. But I don't think so. I just wish that I could make it all better and take away this weight he is feeling. I hate it when people are mad at me. I just want to make it better but I cannot do it. This is something that he has to do himself. I think that I'm just making it worse. I love him more than anything.

Alone

Sometimes I just feel like no one is there, no one cares. I just want to find what I need but I don't know what I need or what I want. I have always excelled at ignoring my needs and putting others before me. I have never really felt loved. I don't know what it is to be loved, but now I am loved and it scares me. I love him so much but I'm scared of hurting him. Everyone always leaves or stops loving or caring. I don't really know how to accept love, real true love. How can someone love me when I can't even love myself? I hate what I have done to him. I hate involving him in my problems and worrying him. I want to protect him from me but he won't let me. I want to make him happy but I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore. Life is just so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I wish that I could talk more freely to him about this but I don't want to worry him or upset him. Sometimes he can tell that something is wrong but sometimes I can fool him. He is the only one who questions. He is the only one who asks, the only one who questions. I miss him. I love him so much. I know he wants to marry me once he can support himself. I love him but he deserves better. ..........

These Guilty Feelings

The flashbacks they keep coming and every time I feel this shame, this guilt, this uncomfortable feeling accompanied by a wince or a shutter or a mini-anxiety attack. Why does this have to happen? I feel so dirty, cheap... I don't know. I cannot really describe it. I just feel so uncomfortable and like I have done something so wrong and bad. I love him and I love to feel him touch me and to touch him. It feels good at the time but I always go back and hate myself for what I have done and how I have acted. I feel so ashamed and then I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed. This is supposed to be wonderful and I am tainting it with my shame but I feel like I am tainted and that I have tainted him. I am no longer the "good girl" that I have tried so hard to be all my life. Now I am someone else and I do not know this person. I do not know this person with these feelings, wishes, desires. I do not know this person who allows these things to happen, these things to be done to her, these things that she does to him. Who is this person? Which one is the real me? Where did this all come from? What have I done? What am I doing? Am I doing something wrong? Should I feel this way? I am so confused and scared and alone and frightened and lost. I just do not know what to do. When I am with him and we are physical it is wonderful but after... it is after that kills me.

Shit

There are somethings which I just cannot forgive myself for. I am such a slut, skank, whore, whatever. I am a temptress and a horrible person. I will do anything to distract people who see that something is wrong from looking any closer or uncovering what is wrong. I let things go too far just to make sure that I do not have to talk about what is really going on. I will do anything for him. I love him so much that I will give him anything he wants no matter what. I just want to make him happy. I would give him anything he wants from simple objects to my virginity. It does not matter what I feel or how it affects me, if he wants it then he will get it, no matter the consequence(s). I have no respect for my body, I really do not care what happens to it, I hate it so much. Sometimes I just feel like scratching it off and have made myself bleed trying to get clean because I can never feel clean enough. I just do not know what to do. I do not know what to do anymore.

Hunger

What do you do when you have lost hunger signals? I have lost my hunger signals and I do not want them back, but I am told that I should work on that. I am so scared. I have worked hard over the years to ignore and silence those signals and I do not want them back. I am still very much in my eating disorder but I do not appear so because I have stopped my behaviors but mentally I have never really recovered and I do not know if I ever will. It is so hard. I have to fight every minute of every hour of every day to keep from resorting to behaviors. How am I supposed to keep doing this for my whole life? I don't know if I can. Everything is just so hard sometimes and scary. I do not want to gain weight. I am so fucking fat and hate how my body looks. I just want to exercise and stop eating and be thin. I never achieved the necessary medical conditions to be diagnosed as anorexic according to the insurance company. I just want to be thin and skinny. I want to be small, skin and bone that's all. Is that too much to ask? Some days if feels like just cannot go on and that I should just give up now and quit, take the easy way out. It wouldn't make any difference to anyone. I am not needed here. I have worked hard so that I could be invisible and thus unneeded but I did not have to work very hard. I am not wanted by those who are supposed to love me no matter what and I have to go back to that place. I just barely made it out alive, I do not know if I can go back there and survive. I just want to lie down, fall asleep and never wake up. I just cannot stand it anymore. I am so tired, so so tired and I just want to sleep, to sleep forever. I hate myself and my life. I hate my body. I am so filled with self-hate that it is hard to see anything else. I am not worthy of love or friendship or kindness or nourishment or anything. I deserve the pain and punishment that I have received or inflicted on myself over the years. I just want to curl up and die. I wish that it could just all be over and done with. I wish that I had never been born. I am just a burden on my family. They do not even know if they can afford to send me to college after my freshman year. I feel like shit for costing them so much. I hate myself for hating my mother and I hate her for reinforcing this self-hate. I hate her for hurting me and making me take the blame but I have a hard time admitting that it was abuse. It wasn't really abuse. It did not hurt that much. Besides my mother could not and would not abuse me. No she would never do that. She is not that kind of person. I am just so confused and scared and tired and alone. I just wish it was all over and I was six feet under. Then it would all be simple and over.

Feelings I Cannot Explain

What did I ever do to deserve to feel like this about myself? Why do I feel this way? It's not like I have anything to be upset about. I am away from my mother and at a school that I love. I am in the perfect relationship and have great roommates and everything seems to be going so well. This is when these feelings don't make sense and get scary. When I have a reason for feeling down then at least I know why but when I do not know why it becomes scary. I thought that I had gotten over these things but the voices seem to be coming back. They are looking for a way in. I burned myself today. It felt good. I have two little marks on my arm now. I held a paperclip in a flame and then pressed it to my skin. I really want to be better but that craving for pain is coming back now. I am so used to pain in my life that it seems wrong when it is not there. The pain is comforting, it's what I've known for so long. Maybe, maybe I associate pain with love because of how I was treated at home. Or perhaps the way that I know that I am doing what I want is because I get punished for it. I don't know. I think that I am blaming my mom for too much. She really did do her best. This whole abuse thing is just so confusing. My mom didn't abuse me. It just doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound like her. It wasn't abuse I keep telling myself. My mom couldn't have abused me because that doesn't happen in families like mine. We are the perfect all-american family. It just doesn't fit together. My family loves me. That's what I have been told and taught. Abuse doesn't happen in a loving family. People who love each other do not abuse each other and if that is true then the only way my mom could have abused me is if she didn't love me. Did she love me or did she love the idea of me that she create? Aren't parents supposed to provide unconditional love for their children? Aren't they supposed to love us equally? Why does she show so much preference for my brother? Why can't she love me? She says she does but can she really love me if she doesn't know me? Why does this bother me so much? This is something that has been going on for a long time so why does it still bother me? I don't want it to bother me. I am so sick of feeling like this. I am so sick of this internal and emotional pain. Physical pain I can handle, handle really well. Why do have to be so quiet? You taught me this mother. You told me to stop talking so much. You told me to be quiet so that you could talk to John. Did you realize what message that sent to me? Do you realize that the reason we do not have a relationship is you were never open to one? You could never understand me but you didn't even try. You did not bother to see who I was outside of the person you made me. You only saw what you wanted to see and I could not show you the rest because I would be punished. So then does it follow that to show who I am I have to endure pain? Why is this? I am so confused, so scared, so tired. If I have to go back to that it might kill me. It already almost has but what would the consequence be? Could I pay for college by myself? How could I make that kind of money? Well the back-up plan is prostitution and I really don't want to go there. I am so sick of all of this. I just want to escape. I have for now I guess but then why do I still feel this way?

Graduation

Graduation was this past weekend. The weekend was perfect. I had my first kiss on Saturday, which was amazing. We were on the floor of my boyfriend's room and it was magical. I love him and he loves me. I am so happy. We are so great together. I love his family and they like me which is good. I am so happy that we have worked this out. It's great. We have to much fun together. Graduation on Sunday was boring but the part afterwards at home and then at Spare Time was so much fun. I was hypnatized but I didn't stay under for the whole thing. It was still lots of fun.

Mom, AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is so hard to be living in the same house as this woman. I am trying to live a healthy life style and she is inhibiting in every way she can. I know that she does not mean to do this and that it is just because of how she was raised and part of her personality but it still is so hard to be her daughter. I just think that it is so ironic that the only way my mother knows how to show affection towards her family is to cook and I, her daughter, developed an eating disorder but not just any eating disorder, anorexia. Yeah that shows how loved I felt as a her daughter. I have to go now the bitch calls.

The Perfect Day

This weekend was so perfect. I spent Saturday with my best friend and long time crush. We had so much fun. I met his family and they loved me and I love them. I love hanging out with him and he asked me out that night when he was driving me back home. I am so happy. All of my friends are so annoyed with me because I am in such a good mood. My parents are good with this development. We promised that if anything happens and the relationship doesn't work out that we will still remain friends no matter what. Things are just working out. I get to see him agin next weekend. My parents are making me come down to Dartmouth to visit my brother with them but he's coming with us so that will be fun. He will be saving me from a torturous family gathering. I miss him when he is not here and I can't wait til I next see him. I love him. He is so much fun and always knows how to make me laugh. Life is great when he's around. I am just so happy. :)

AP EXAMS ARE DONE!!!

YAY!!! School is almost over. I love it. I have almost no homework. I still have my senior synthesis to finish and my fourth quarter term paper to write but I will have no more homework in Biology and I am enrolled at the college I love. I am relaxing and I can have fun now. One of my best friends will be home from college tomorrow and we can have fun this summer. I still need to get a job. (I should call Affectionately Cats when I get home.) But that shouldn't be too hard. I don't have to take any books home. It feels so great to be almost done with school. I can't wait for graduation.

Daddy

I love my dad very much. Yes he and my mom are a very screwed up couple and he has let her do some wacky, stupid and abusive things but I know he loves me a lot. I really worry about him sometimes and now is one of those times. I do not want to cause any financial burdens for him because things are tight and he is missing a lot of work. I feel really guilty about going to Mount Holyoke which is more than twice as expencive as Saint Mike's which I also got into but I hate. I love MHC and really want to go there. I would declare myself finacially independant if I could. I am going to pay my parents back every cent that they spend on me for college. I don't even want them paying for it because I don't want to feel obliged to them. I really am having a hard time with my mom. She is really such a bitch. I can't stand being around her a lot of the time because we are just so different. Our family therapist has said that we need to get to know each other better but she isn't willing to. If she does not want to do something she is not going to do it. I try to share my interests with her but she thinks they are a waste of her time and that she should be doing something else. She spends so much energy on community service that she has let the family fall apart and now that she sees this she doesn't even have an interest in finding out how I, at least, have changed in her metaphorical absence. She projects her personality and beliefs onto those around her and I can't stand it. Service to others is all well and good but my family takes it to a whole new level. My dad neglects himself in his service to others and sees it as an obligation rather than as service so he does not find it rewarding and my mom finds it so rewarding she doesn't need to be apart of the family. I have learned a lot about myself and I am not going to grow up to live my life as they do. My struggles have really helped me grow in ways that I otherwise would not have been able to grow. However I find myself wondering if I had lived in a more open and functional family if I would have needed to go through these struggles at all. Life is really shitty sometimes and I really hate it. Sometimes I wish that I had not been born or that if I had to be born if I could have been born into a different family.

Friend shit

Why is it that peoplecan be so stupid? Why do they tell their friends their problems but then not do anything when the friend tries to help and then blame the person when things happen that they don't want to happen and which could have been avoided if they would just follow through? Yeah that didn't really make sense. I just am so sick of this shit. I don't want to be her friend anymore. She treats people like crap when things don't go the way she wants. Yeah and the stuff she says happens could not have all happened so I don't even know what to believe any more. I think that she is doing this for attention but I don't know. It's so complicated and I don't have time, patience or the energy to deal with this anymore. I am not going to let her drag me down with her again. That happened once and it was aweful. It sucks that she does this to people. Does she even realize that by doing all of this she is alienating her friends. I feel really bad for her other friend that she relies on. I think in some ways he replaced me when I went off to treatment. She says that she cut a vein. I don't believe that because if she had she would not be around or she would have had to get stitches. Life really sucks sometimes. Oh well, she's not talking to be any more because her current state is all MY fault. RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Nope she has to take responsibility for her own actions. If she had talked to her mother then she would not be in as much trouble, some yes, but not like this. Well whatever, she can do whatever she wants. She is not my problem. I have done what I can. I have gone to guidance and I have informed them of the current state so now the ball is in their cour and in hers so she can step up to the plate and take care of herself. If she is doing all of this for attention I will be really pissed at her. I can't imagine someone being this stupid and generally mean just for attention. I am just really sick of it all. I am not taking care of her anymore. It is time to cut the threads and let her go. She is not good for me to be around and I do not want to deal with her anymore. She is just trouble trouble trouble and I have my own concerns to worry about.

It's okay

Hey girl, every thing's going to be okay. I know that you are in pain and hurting. Life is very stressful and everything seems so hard and hopeless. But you will make it everything will be okay.
No it won't. No body knows, no one cares. I just should disappear and never come back. I wish I was dead.
No. People care and love you.
Not mom and dad.
I know. They aren't the best parents but they're trying. You have your friends though and you should really tell them or show them what's been going on. You just need to feel loved but you know that I love you.
I want to see Paul.
Yes I know. I do to and I'm working on that.
I miss him.
Me too.
I hate living here. I hate being taken for granted and not noticed but I never really expected anything different and it hurts.
I know baby, I know. I'm here for you.
I love you.
And I love you.

Arguments, arguments

Why don't you go exercise? You're so fat.
Hey bitch, back off.
Ladies be nice.
She started it.
I did not. You started it yourself be eating so much.
Sarah, you need to stop telling me what to do in regards to food. I know that I am stressed out and you want me to stop eating and reverse back to my eating disorder habits but that is not going to help anyone. When I go off to college I am going to have to learn to deal with stress in a healthy way. Hold on while I look some homework up.
Fine.
Fine.
Okay. So Sarah you need to be quiet. I understand that you just want to be helpful but you're really not.
See. Ha. Want to beat her with a sledgehammer? Or we could stone her. or draw and quarter her. Oh how about we tie her to a tree with a metal rod stuck in her back and leave her there in a thunder strom.
Hilary. You need to be nice. Stop it. I am not going to impale Sarah on a metal pole in the middle of a t-storm.
nananananana. *sticks out tongue*
Sarah, grow up.
Meah, I hate you.
I hate you too dearie.
HAHAHAHAHA.
You're no better Hilary.
Screw you.
Okay now that you both are mad at me can you go and whisper about what a bitch I am somewhere else so that I can do my work. Thank you.

More Arguments in my Head

Sometimes I just wish that I was adopted. I wish I could go live with someone else, one of my friends maybe. I don't know.
So sore, it feels so good. I love working out.
Yes but you don't want to work out too much. remember that.
I know I know. But I really want to,
But you can't. You know what happens then.
Grrrr, But I WANT to loose weight.
Sarah you may want but I am not going to let you brainwash into thinking that I am fat. I know that I feel fat but that is just you talking. The goal is not to become a skeleton. The goal is to be a healthy weight and maintain that weight so you can go back in your corner and SHUT UP!!!!
Woah woah, Hilary when did you step in. Thank you girl but I can handle Sarah all by myself. I don't need you to step in. I can handle it dear.
Are you sure? I can always hit over the head with an anvil, oooo how about a rust sword or a pretty piece of metal.
No dear, I am good. I do not need your help. I am not going to beat her up, she once had her place and killing her or maiming her is not going to be helpful. So you two can go argue somewhere else but I am done listening to you two go at it so go find some corner where you can have fun but do not hurt each other. I need you both back in one piece.

Hello

Hello. Can anyone here me? Does anyone care? I am in pain and no one cares I just want to get out of here. I hate this place. I need to go, go, go. I don't belong here anymore. I don't fit in. No, it's not that I don't fit in, it's just that I don't fit in the way she wants me to. I am not her minnie-me. I do not belong to her and am not in her control. I just want her to leave me alone but she won't. How can we be related? I never want to be like her. I hate her so much. The bruises are finally gone. They hurt. I hate her for giving them to me. She had no right to touch me. If she ever touches me again I will get a restraining order. She's my mom but I don't care. She cannot just push me around and grab me. I am not a doll that she can do with whatever she wants. I am my own person. She cannot just invade my privacy and take my things and not expect me to go looking for them when she will not give them back. I just wish that she would disappear. I hate her. She doesn't know anything about me and she never will because she doesn't want to know anything about me. My relationship with her is forever broken. There is nothing that she can do to get it back. We never had a great relationship but now we never will have any relationship other than the absolutely necessary one. It's over between us. I am not just her play thing that she can push around. I hate her.