Hunger

What do you do when you have lost hunger signals? I have lost my hunger signals and I do not want them back, but I am told that I should work on that. I am so scared. I have worked hard over the years to ignore and silence those signals and I do not want them back. I am still very much in my eating disorder but I do not appear so because I have stopped my behaviors but mentally I have never really recovered and I do not know if I ever will. It is so hard. I have to fight every minute of every hour of every day to keep from resorting to behaviors. How am I supposed to keep doing this for my whole life? I don't know if I can. Everything is just so hard sometimes and scary. I do not want to gain weight. I am so fucking fat and hate how my body looks. I just want to exercise and stop eating and be thin. I never achieved the necessary medical conditions to be diagnosed as anorexic according to the insurance company. I just want to be thin and skinny. I want to be small, skin and bone that's all. Is that too much to ask? Some days if feels like just cannot go on and that I should just give up now and quit, take the easy way out. It wouldn't make any difference to anyone. I am not needed here. I have worked hard so that I could be invisible and thus unneeded but I did not have to work very hard. I am not wanted by those who are supposed to love me no matter what and I have to go back to that place. I just barely made it out alive, I do not know if I can go back there and survive. I just want to lie down, fall asleep and never wake up. I just cannot stand it anymore. I am so tired, so so tired and I just want to sleep, to sleep forever. I hate myself and my life. I hate my body. I am so filled with self-hate that it is hard to see anything else. I am not worthy of love or friendship or kindness or nourishment or anything. I deserve the pain and punishment that I have received or inflicted on myself over the years. I just want to curl up and die. I wish that it could just all be over and done with. I wish that I had never been born. I am just a burden on my family. They do not even know if they can afford to send me to college after my freshman year. I feel like shit for costing them so much. I hate myself for hating my mother and I hate her for reinforcing this self-hate. I hate her for hurting me and making me take the blame but I have a hard time admitting that it was abuse. It wasn't really abuse. It did not hurt that much. Besides my mother could not and would not abuse me. No she would never do that. She is not that kind of person. I am just so confused and scared and tired and alone. I just wish it was all over and I was six feet under. Then it would all be simple and over.