Feelings I Cannot Explain

What did I ever do to deserve to feel like this about myself? Why do I feel this way? It's not like I have anything to be upset about. I am away from my mother and at a school that I love. I am in the perfect relationship and have great roommates and everything seems to be going so well. This is when these feelings don't make sense and get scary. When I have a reason for feeling down then at least I know why but when I do not know why it becomes scary. I thought that I had gotten over these things but the voices seem to be coming back. They are looking for a way in. I burned myself today. It felt good. I have two little marks on my arm now. I held a paperclip in a flame and then pressed it to my skin. I really want to be better but that craving for pain is coming back now. I am so used to pain in my life that it seems wrong when it is not there. The pain is comforting, it's what I've known for so long. Maybe, maybe I associate pain with love because of how I was treated at home. Or perhaps the way that I know that I am doing what I want is because I get punished for it. I don't know. I think that I am blaming my mom for too much. She really did do her best. This whole abuse thing is just so confusing. My mom didn't abuse me. It just doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound like her. It wasn't abuse I keep telling myself. My mom couldn't have abused me because that doesn't happen in families like mine. We are the perfect all-american family. It just doesn't fit together. My family loves me. That's what I have been told and taught. Abuse doesn't happen in a loving family. People who love each other do not abuse each other and if that is true then the only way my mom could have abused me is if she didn't love me. Did she love me or did she love the idea of me that she create? Aren't parents supposed to provide unconditional love for their children? Aren't they supposed to love us equally? Why does she show so much preference for my brother? Why can't she love me? She says she does but can she really love me if she doesn't know me? Why does this bother me so much? This is something that has been going on for a long time so why does it still bother me? I don't want it to bother me. I am so sick of feeling like this. I am so sick of this internal and emotional pain. Physical pain I can handle, handle really well. Why do have to be so quiet? You taught me this mother. You told me to stop talking so much. You told me to be quiet so that you could talk to John. Did you realize what message that sent to me? Do you realize that the reason we do not have a relationship is you were never open to one? You could never understand me but you didn't even try. You did not bother to see who I was outside of the person you made me. You only saw what you wanted to see and I could not show you the rest because I would be punished. So then does it follow that to show who I am I have to endure pain? Why is this? I am so confused, so scared, so tired. If I have to go back to that it might kill me. It already almost has but what would the consequence be? Could I pay for college by myself? How could I make that kind of money? Well the back-up plan is prostitution and I really don't want to go there. I am so sick of all of this. I just want to escape. I have for now I guess but then why do I still feel this way?