These Guilty Feelings

The flashbacks they keep coming and every time I feel this shame, this guilt, this uncomfortable feeling accompanied by a wince or a shutter or a mini-anxiety attack. Why does this have to happen? I feel so dirty, cheap... I don't know. I cannot really describe it. I just feel so uncomfortable and like I have done something so wrong and bad. I love him and I love to feel him touch me and to touch him. It feels good at the time but I always go back and hate myself for what I have done and how I have acted. I feel so ashamed and then I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed. This is supposed to be wonderful and I am tainting it with my shame but I feel like I am tainted and that I have tainted him. I am no longer the "good girl" that I have tried so hard to be all my life. Now I am someone else and I do not know this person. I do not know this person with these feelings, wishes, desires. I do not know this person who allows these things to happen, these things to be done to her, these things that she does to him. Who is this person? Which one is the real me? Where did this all come from? What have I done? What am I doing? Am I doing something wrong? Should I feel this way? I am so confused and scared and alone and frightened and lost. I just do not know what to do. When I am with him and we are physical it is wonderful but after... it is after that kills me.

Shit

There are somethings which I just cannot forgive myself for. I am such a slut, skank, whore, whatever. I am a temptress and a horrible person. I will do anything to distract people who see that something is wrong from looking any closer or uncovering what is wrong. I let things go too far just to make sure that I do not have to talk about what is really going on. I will do anything for him. I love him so much that I will give him anything he wants no matter what. I just want to make him happy. I would give him anything he wants from simple objects to my virginity. It does not matter what I feel or how it affects me, if he wants it then he will get it, no matter the consequence(s). I have no respect for my body, I really do not care what happens to it, I hate it so much. Sometimes I just feel like scratching it off and have made myself bleed trying to get clean because I can never feel clean enough. I just do not know what to do. I do not know what to do anymore.

Hunger

What do you do when you have lost hunger signals? I have lost my hunger signals and I do not want them back, but I am told that I should work on that. I am so scared. I have worked hard over the years to ignore and silence those signals and I do not want them back. I am still very much in my eating disorder but I do not appear so because I have stopped my behaviors but mentally I have never really recovered and I do not know if I ever will. It is so hard. I have to fight every minute of every hour of every day to keep from resorting to behaviors. How am I supposed to keep doing this for my whole life? I don't know if I can. Everything is just so hard sometimes and scary. I do not want to gain weight. I am so fucking fat and hate how my body looks. I just want to exercise and stop eating and be thin. I never achieved the necessary medical conditions to be diagnosed as anorexic according to the insurance company. I just want to be thin and skinny. I want to be small, skin and bone that's all. Is that too much to ask? Some days if feels like just cannot go on and that I should just give up now and quit, take the easy way out. It wouldn't make any difference to anyone. I am not needed here. I have worked hard so that I could be invisible and thus unneeded but I did not have to work very hard. I am not wanted by those who are supposed to love me no matter what and I have to go back to that place. I just barely made it out alive, I do not know if I can go back there and survive. I just want to lie down, fall asleep and never wake up. I just cannot stand it anymore. I am so tired, so so tired and I just want to sleep, to sleep forever. I hate myself and my life. I hate my body. I am so filled with self-hate that it is hard to see anything else. I am not worthy of love or friendship or kindness or nourishment or anything. I deserve the pain and punishment that I have received or inflicted on myself over the years. I just want to curl up and die. I wish that it could just all be over and done with. I wish that I had never been born. I am just a burden on my family. They do not even know if they can afford to send me to college after my freshman year. I feel like shit for costing them so much. I hate myself for hating my mother and I hate her for reinforcing this self-hate. I hate her for hurting me and making me take the blame but I have a hard time admitting that it was abuse. It wasn't really abuse. It did not hurt that much. Besides my mother could not and would not abuse me. No she would never do that. She is not that kind of person. I am just so confused and scared and tired and alone. I just wish it was all over and I was six feet under. Then it would all be simple and over.

Feelings I Cannot Explain

What did I ever do to deserve to feel like this about myself? Why do I feel this way? It's not like I have anything to be upset about. I am away from my mother and at a school that I love. I am in the perfect relationship and have great roommates and everything seems to be going so well. This is when these feelings don't make sense and get scary. When I have a reason for feeling down then at least I know why but when I do not know why it becomes scary. I thought that I had gotten over these things but the voices seem to be coming back. They are looking for a way in. I burned myself today. It felt good. I have two little marks on my arm now. I held a paperclip in a flame and then pressed it to my skin. I really want to be better but that craving for pain is coming back now. I am so used to pain in my life that it seems wrong when it is not there. The pain is comforting, it's what I've known for so long. Maybe, maybe I associate pain with love because of how I was treated at home. Or perhaps the way that I know that I am doing what I want is because I get punished for it. I don't know. I think that I am blaming my mom for too much. She really did do her best. This whole abuse thing is just so confusing. My mom didn't abuse me. It just doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound like her. It wasn't abuse I keep telling myself. My mom couldn't have abused me because that doesn't happen in families like mine. We are the perfect all-american family. It just doesn't fit together. My family loves me. That's what I have been told and taught. Abuse doesn't happen in a loving family. People who love each other do not abuse each other and if that is true then the only way my mom could have abused me is if she didn't love me. Did she love me or did she love the idea of me that she create? Aren't parents supposed to provide unconditional love for their children? Aren't they supposed to love us equally? Why does she show so much preference for my brother? Why can't she love me? She says she does but can she really love me if she doesn't know me? Why does this bother me so much? This is something that has been going on for a long time so why does it still bother me? I don't want it to bother me. I am so sick of feeling like this. I am so sick of this internal and emotional pain. Physical pain I can handle, handle really well. Why do have to be so quiet? You taught me this mother. You told me to stop talking so much. You told me to be quiet so that you could talk to John. Did you realize what message that sent to me? Do you realize that the reason we do not have a relationship is you were never open to one? You could never understand me but you didn't even try. You did not bother to see who I was outside of the person you made me. You only saw what you wanted to see and I could not show you the rest because I would be punished. So then does it follow that to show who I am I have to endure pain? Why is this? I am so confused, so scared, so tired. If I have to go back to that it might kill me. It already almost has but what would the consequence be? Could I pay for college by myself? How could I make that kind of money? Well the back-up plan is prostitution and I really don't want to go there. I am so sick of all of this. I just want to escape. I have for now I guess but then why do I still feel this way?