Going Home

My chest tightens and it's hard to breath. I can't go home I just can't do it. I wish I could talk to him because he would understand. I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of her. I am afraid of my own mother. I don't want to put myself back there. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am being crushed while at the same time being torn apart. Everything hurts. I am so scared. I don't know what to do.

Don't Fuck With Me

I am so sick of people using me or fucking with me. I just want to find someone with whom I can be close and intimate with and not have to worry about leaving me. I trusted you and you broke my trust. You knew I had trust problems but you didn't care did you? So I am left to wonder if you ever cared, if anyone ever cares. How can I open myself up when every time I do I get hurt and shot down. I have no one with whom I can be close. Everyone who says he/she loves me ends up hurting me and then leaving, either emotionally, physically or in some other way. I just want to be able to trust that I can talk to someone and open up without having to worry about them leaving. I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of hurting myself. I won't hurt myself right now because the pain I feel inside could not be matched by any other pain. I can't take it anymore. I know that I need someone whom I can talk to but I cannot do it because I cannot get close enough to anyone to trust them. I am sick of reaching out and being slapped. I am sick of feeling this pain inside. I am sick of feeling this darkness inside. I am sick of these thoughts that I have running through my head all the time. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could talk to you but you don't want to talk. You want to be friends but you can't be friends right now. Okay whatever. It's fine. In fact it's probably better because I do not need a fair weather friend. I do not need someone who leaves me when I am at my most vulnerable. And you did just that. You didn't care. I try to understand. I try to remember that you did it because you were so worries and stressed that it was interfering with your work. But I am sick of understanding. I am sick of making excuses for you. I am sick of feeling like I don't matter. Maybe I put myself here but maybe not. I know that I can be difficult but I have a mental disorder. It is not something that I can control. I have done so well. In about a year I have gone from two suicide attempts, nearly three, from a girl who could not function to a college student doing pretty well in a tough school so I am allowed to have my slip ups and I have coped with this for a long time and I can't just stop coping the way I have for years.

....

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going down again and I don't know why. I don't know who to talk to. The one person I relied on won't answer my calls, e-mails, or anything. Of course it doesn't help the he is my fairly recent ex. I don't know what to do. I want him in my life again but I don't know if I can go back to just being friends. I've done this before and I don't know if I can to it again. I love him and I don't know what to do or how to act or what to say. I am so confused and in the mean time I am still dealing with all of these feelings and thoughts that won't go away. I am so confused and lost.

Hurt

I always asked you to hurt me whenever we were close. I asked you to choke me. I had my reasons. I always have reasons for doing things though they may not make sense to you or anyone for that matter. I wanted you to physically hurt me so that I could avoid the emotional pain that I knew was coming with the break-up. I knew you were going to leave me before we even went out. I knew because that is what happens with anyone who gets close to me and anyone whom I love. Once I love someone the relationship is doomed. I always get left behind and/or hurt. Nothing in my life can just be good, forget about great. With any pleasure or happiness in my life comes a pain that is no less than twice as painful as whatever made me happy. This is just a fact of life that I have come to accept. I cannot change it. You said that it wouldn't happen. You said that you would not leave me. You said that you needed me. You never needed me. Did you even love me? Could you have loved me and still done this? Did you just love me for my body? I don't really see how that could be. Did you just love me because I let you touch me because I gave you physical pleasure? Why did I let you touch me? Why did I let you get to close? I loved you, I still do but you do not care. You have shown that if nothing else. I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of letting people in only to get hurt again and again. I have been though enough haven't I? Why must the world do this to me? Why must I stuffer like this? I do not want to sound like a whiny infant and I know that life is not fair but can't I get a break?! Can't I have one close, intimate relationship with someone I love who will love me back, freely and wholly without running away or leaving me? Don't I at least deserve one relationship with unconditional love? Can't something work out? Why must I continue to go through all of this pain? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Why do I always have to play the part of the adult? Who will look out for me? Who will take care of me? I am left to stand alone as always, the only one that I can count on is myself. You tell me that I need to open up to someone, to learn that I do not need to stand on my own, that I cannot stand on my own and then you turn and leave me to do just that. How does this make sense? How can you love me so strongly one month and then turn around and say oh, I'm sorry I don't know if I love you another? How did this happen and why? What did I do to drive you off? You say that you were getting depressed. You don't even know the meaning of the word because if you did then you would have seen how depressed I was and not have blamed me for your inability to handle your emotions. Yeah we fought but everyone fights and yeah inner demons may have been involved in our fights but you know that I had these problems getting into the relationship with me and you knew that the thoughts would not just disappear. When I needed you to just be there the most you left. You left me. You left and it hurts. You left me even though you said you would not. How could you just stop loving me after saying that you wanted to marry me when you could support yourself? Were you lying the whole time? Why do I still love you? Why?

You said you loved me and you would never leave

My dearest you said that you loved me. You said you would never leave me. I told you that you would but you said no. Well what now? You left me. You said you love me but now you do not know. What has changed? What did I do to make you stop loving me? I have loved you for so long and I still love you. I thought that we would last. You said that you had every intention of marrying me but you left. You said that you were depressed and you could not take it anymore. You do not know what it means to be depressed. You do not know what it is like to be truly depressed. You would never be able to live my life, you could not survive. I guess that is why we are no more. You could not even handle being my boyfriend. It was too much for you. Our love must not have been as strong as I thought it was. Why did I let you touch me like that? If I had only known that you would leave me I never would have let you, no that is not true and I know it. I could never stop you. I just wanted to make you happy, more than anything I want to make you happy. It did not matter what the cost was. I would give everything up to make you smile to see you happy. Love is pain, love is sacrifice. I asked you to hurt me physically so that I might not be hurt emotionally. I have so much pain in my life but I can take it. The physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain. I miss you so much. I love you. I just want to fix this. It hurts but I am keeping myself together. I have not resorted to behaviors. I guess I have learned much from this. I have learned that the only person I can really trust to always be there for me is myself. I have learned that I cannot rely on anyone and that I must stand alone because whenever I get too close to someone they always hurt me and make it worse. You said you loved me and we made out. I let you feel me up, I let you touch me, take off my shirt, get my half naked in the library. We went farther than we have ever gone before and you said you loved me and now a month later you don't?! What happened? Love like ours could not disappear that quickly. What happened? What did I do? Did you only love me because of what I let you do? What happened? Help me understand. Please. I love you.