Sometimes I want to just end it all, give up and leave. I sometimes think that it would be better for all who know me if I was dead. I know that it is just my depression that is saying that and that it is not true but sometimes it feels so true. Sometimes it just hurts so much that I want to end it all. You may ask what hurts but I don't think that I could say. It just does. Maybe it is built up pain from my childhood or maybe not. Maybe it is just my depression. Who knows? I know that it is something that I have to figure out but I am afraid to. Why? For the same reason anyone who has been suicidal or attempted suicide would, I don't want to be locked up again. I am terrified of going back to lock up. I don't want that to get in the way of my life. I guess that's kind of funny. I don't want my suicidal thoughts to get in the way of my life. I guess I need to face it so that it doesn't. I don't know.
Sometimes it's like I don't know who I am anymore. The meds seem to help a bit but sometimes I just think there is something wrong with me, something broken. I don't know what it is but I want it fixed. Maybe it's issues left over from my childhood, from dealing with my mom. I really don't know. I just wish that I could be the young innocent girl I used to be. But then I have to ask myself if I really ever was like that. I don't want to question my childhood memories but looking back all my happy memories include my dad and not my mom. I just want to leave here, my family's home, I can't be around her anymore. All she does is feed my eating disorder and depression. I just can't take it anymore. I can't deal with my family. I just want it to be over and if I can't get out, I'll find other ways I can escape.
Sometimes it's like I don't know who I am anymore. The meds seem to help a bit but sometimes I just think there is something wrong with me, something broken. I don't know what it is but I want it fixed. Maybe it's issues left over from my childhood, from dealing with my mom. I really don't know. I just wish that I could be the young innocent girl I used to be. But then I have to ask myself if I really ever was like that. I don't want to question my childhood memories but looking back all my happy memories include my dad and not my mom. I just want to leave here, my family's home, I can't be around her anymore. All she does is feed my eating disorder and depression. I just can't take it anymore. I can't deal with my family. I just want it to be over and if I can't get out, I'll find other ways I can escape.
