Sometimes...

Sometimes I want to just end it all, give up and leave. I sometimes think that it would be better for all who know me if I was dead. I know that it is just my depression that is saying that and that it is not true but sometimes it feels so true. Sometimes it just hurts so much that I want to end it all. You may ask what hurts but I don't think that I could say. It just does. Maybe it is built up pain from my childhood or maybe not. Maybe it is just my depression. Who knows? I know that it is something that I have to figure out but I am afraid to. Why? For the same reason anyone who has been suicidal or attempted suicide would, I don't want to be locked up again. I am terrified of going back to lock up. I don't want that to get in the way of my life. I guess that's kind of funny. I don't want my suicidal thoughts to get in the way of my life. I guess I need to face it so that it doesn't. I don't know.

Sometimes it's like I don't know who I am anymore. The meds seem to help a bit but sometimes I just think there is something wrong with me, something broken. I don't know what it is but I want it fixed. Maybe it's issues left over from my childhood, from dealing with my mom. I really don't know. I just wish that I could be the young innocent girl I used to be. But then I have to ask myself if I really ever was like that. I don't want to question my childhood memories but looking back all my happy memories include my dad and not my mom. I just want to leave here, my family's home, I can't be around her anymore. All she does is feed my eating disorder and depression. I just can't take it anymore. I can't deal with my family. I just want it to be over and if I can't get out, I'll find other ways I can escape.

cut

Dance, dance little words, flittering across my mind,

Pretty patterns forming

All the things I could do. 

I want to make them real,

I want to see it on my skin

I want to feel the pain.

I want to see the blood.

You

Sometimes I wonder how I could have meet you,

A friend, a lover, a companion and so much more.

You came when I was not looking and surprise came next

That such a one as you could love a one as I.

I thought love had left my life for good

But it was not to be.

I'm glad you came and pray you stay.

I take it one day at a time and enjoy everyday

I spend with you

For if the past has taught me anything, it can fall apart

At anytime when you say good-bye.

Early morning Thoughts

Life is strange. Things happen. People come and people go and life goes on. I sometimes wonder if things could be different, if I could be different. Sometimes the what ifs just come and won't stop. What if I hadn't developed my eating disorder; what if I had never picked up that safety pin in the first place; what if things were different; what if he hadn't called my parents that night, would I still be alive; what if what if what if what if... it never ends. I sometimes wish there was a switch for my brain. I guess that is what the sleeping meds are for. Stupid insomnia. It's like a downhill spiral after a certain time of night. And then they come. The stupid thoughts and urges. Cut, exercise, burn, starve, etc. it just goes on and on and on. Never ending. Why won't it go away? When will it end? I am happy. I have an amazing boyfriend. I am at an amazing school. I have wonderful friends and am learning, something I love doing. Studying psychology and english, two passions of mine. I just want it to stop. I just don't know. I hate feeling like this. I hate being like this. Thoughts flash, ideas, urges, plans. The way my mind works scares me sometimes.

Issues

So the chest pain is starting again. I don't know why but I have been to the health center and they don't know what it is. It worries me a bit but I don't know what it is. I wish I knew what it was but oh well.