Rantings of a Mad Woman

So why can't he just see what she does and how she treats me? Why can't he admit that she is abusive? So does he think that what she has done is okay? What is the matter with my family? Why can't they see what this is doing to the family? I wish that I could just forget about them and get on with my life. I am so sick of having this weigh me down. I want to be happy and not have to carry this around with me. I am so confused. I do not understand all of this. How can I convince myself to acknowledge that my mother is abusive if I am constantly being told my family that she is not? Are they saying that what she did was okay? Are they telling me that I do not matter, that she can do whatever she wants to me and it is okay? I hate this I hate them for doing this and I hate my life.

I love him but don't know how to help him

I love him. We had our first fight and it was awful. Neither of us slept well last night but he needs me now and I don't know how to be there for him. I don't know what to do to make it better. He blames himself, says he verbally attacked me. But I don't think so. I just wish that I could make it all better and take away this weight he is feeling. I hate it when people are mad at me. I just want to make it better but I cannot do it. This is something that he has to do himself. I think that I'm just making it worse. I love him more than anything.

Alone

Sometimes I just feel like no one is there, no one cares. I just want to find what I need but I don't know what I need or what I want. I have always excelled at ignoring my needs and putting others before me. I have never really felt loved. I don't know what it is to be loved, but now I am loved and it scares me. I love him so much but I'm scared of hurting him. Everyone always leaves or stops loving or caring. I don't really know how to accept love, real true love. How can someone love me when I can't even love myself? I hate what I have done to him. I hate involving him in my problems and worrying him. I want to protect him from me but he won't let me. I want to make him happy but I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore. Life is just so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I wish that I could talk more freely to him about this but I don't want to worry him or upset him. Sometimes he can tell that something is wrong but sometimes I can fool him. He is the only one who questions. He is the only one who asks, the only one who questions. I miss him. I love him so much. I know he wants to marry me once he can support himself. I love him but he deserves better. ..........