"Do you let me touch you because you want me to or because you don't know the value of your body?"

You asked me this once. You asked me this as we were making out. Do you remember what I told you? "Honestly, I don't know." I now know. I wanted to make you happy. I would have done anything to make you happy. I didn't care what it was. If you wanted to do it I let you. I told you not to expect to see me without a shirt on but you wanted to so I let you. When you were around me I forgot everything and then it would hit me, what we had done. Why do you think I would get depressed after everything. Oh, well now I know to say no. At least I have learned that.

I AM

I am. I am what? What am I? I am a woman. I am human. I think therefore I am? No. I fight therefore I am. I fight to be who I am. I fight to be me. I fight to survive. I fight to live. I fight every damn day of my life. Whether it is the voices inside me head or the voices outside my head telling me I am not worthy, telling me I am no one, telling me how to live, telling me how to die. I fight. I fight so hard. Sometimes it is so hard. Sometimes I just want to give up, to just lie down and die. I am so tired of fighting. I feel like I'm drowning. I am just barely keeping my head above the water. How much longer must I keep treading water? How much longer can I keep fighting? I am running out of reserves. How much longer will I last? When will I finally give up and end it all. When will the fight be over?

Back Home

I am back at Mount Holyoke!!!! Woot!!!!!! It feels great to be home!!!!!