Hurt

I always asked you to hurt me whenever we were close. I asked you to choke me. I had my reasons. I always have reasons for doing things though they may not make sense to you or anyone for that matter. I wanted you to physically hurt me so that I could avoid the emotional pain that I knew was coming with the break-up. I knew you were going to leave me before we even went out. I knew because that is what happens with anyone who gets close to me and anyone whom I love. Once I love someone the relationship is doomed. I always get left behind and/or hurt. Nothing in my life can just be good, forget about great. With any pleasure or happiness in my life comes a pain that is no less than twice as painful as whatever made me happy. This is just a fact of life that I have come to accept. I cannot change it. You said that it wouldn't happen. You said that you would not leave me. You said that you needed me. You never needed me. Did you even love me? Could you have loved me and still done this? Did you just love me for my body? I don't really see how that could be. Did you just love me because I let you touch me because I gave you physical pleasure? Why did I let you touch me? Why did I let you get to close? I loved you, I still do but you do not care. You have shown that if nothing else. I am sick of being hurt. I am sick of letting people in only to get hurt again and again. I have been though enough haven't I? Why must the world do this to me? Why must I stuffer like this? I do not want to sound like a whiny infant and I know that life is not fair but can't I get a break?! Can't I have one close, intimate relationship with someone I love who will love me back, freely and wholly without running away or leaving me? Don't I at least deserve one relationship with unconditional love? Can't something work out? Why must I continue to go through all of this pain? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Why do I always have to play the part of the adult? Who will look out for me? Who will take care of me? I am left to stand alone as always, the only one that I can count on is myself. You tell me that I need to open up to someone, to learn that I do not need to stand on my own, that I cannot stand on my own and then you turn and leave me to do just that. How does this make sense? How can you love me so strongly one month and then turn around and say oh, I'm sorry I don't know if I love you another? How did this happen and why? What did I do to drive you off? You say that you were getting depressed. You don't even know the meaning of the word because if you did then you would have seen how depressed I was and not have blamed me for your inability to handle your emotions. Yeah we fought but everyone fights and yeah inner demons may have been involved in our fights but you know that I had these problems getting into the relationship with me and you knew that the thoughts would not just disappear. When I needed you to just be there the most you left. You left me. You left and it hurts. You left me even though you said you would not. How could you just stop loving me after saying that you wanted to marry me when you could support yourself? Were you lying the whole time? Why do I still love you? Why?